The night before my father died I slept in his chair in his room/office/mancave, as he had done for years. The chair smelled like him. The room smelled like him. It felt like him. His essence was embedded in the walls of that room and the things in it. And there were things aplenty. There were a few things I'd given him, things others had given him, things from his past military life, and things from his younger days such as pictures of his brothers and sister. There were his coin collections, several pairs of his shoes & socks, and the last shirt and pants he wore were hanging on the back of his door. All the things in that room were important to him. His cell phone was there on the charger, his computer with a new autumn desktop he had chosen, his mouse.
After sleeping quite comfortably and well in my daddy's soft old recliner, I woke up and prepared to leave and go see him at the hospital. That was not to be. Well, it would be, but he would not be alive when I saw him. He passed somewhere in the middle of our ten-minute trip from home to the hospital. We still went in to see him and hold his hand for the last time and stroke his soft, gray beard that had grown in during many days there.
As I first walked in I saw that his mouth was hanging open. So undignified. I hurried over and used my pointer finger to push his chin up closing his mouth. The nurse saw me do that and grabbed a towel and rolled it up and placed it under his chin to hold it closed. Much better.
I'd had a shock the night prior to his death when I saw him. I hadn't seen him in nearly 7 years and the last 2-3 months had really broken his old body down and ravaged him from a series of health problems and then covid took its hold on him and really never let go. He knew I was there and recognized me, saying my name over and over again. He was also asking for pain medication. With my face down close to his and my hands holding his face, he said, "I'm suffering." It was so awful. I told him the nurse was giving him more pain medicine at that moment and his suffering would be relieved. I told him I loved him over and over.
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